Debi Johnson Coaching

I remember the first time that I read this poem, it touched my soul.  It was during a stormy period in my life when I was on a journey out of an eating disorder. I was deeply touched as it showed me that only I COULD SAVE MY OWN LIFE and leave the voices of the eating disorder behind. 

I hadn’t thought about the poem for awhile, but it was time to discover it again.  I happened to pick up Oprah magazine and turned to Maria Shriver interviewing the author, Mary Oliver.  That’s when I discovered THE JOURNEY again. 

I read the words aloud to myself and I could feel the gentle power of them linger in the air.  I notice that the poem touches me in a different way at this time of my life.  As I discover my love of coaching others and I clear my own path in life, I am finding that I need to leave some aspects of my old life behind.  I can feel ”the old tug at my ankles”, but I am pushing forward and finding my own strong voice.

The Journey  ~ Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice–
though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!” each voice cried. But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little, as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do–
determined to save the only life you could save.

What a very hard couple of days!  I try to believe that all is fine in my world until something like the shaking earth comes along.  It points out just how little control I have in my tiny corner of space.

 I live in Eureka California and was awakened at 4:30 am on Friday morning by a very loud tsunami warning siren.  I ran to the T.V. to see what was happening!   I saw images of the massive quake in Japan with running text along the bottom of the screen warning that a tsunmi was headed our way.  It said to head to higher ground.  There is a sign about a half block before my home that says “Tsunami Hazard Zone”, that means I am in the ”tsunami safe zone”, but how do they really know? 

The impending time was at 7:30 am.  The sirens kept ringing out.  I was frightened for myself, but especially for my loved ones and friends.  I prayed and waited.  I was to go to work in just a few hours.  What was I supposed to do?  I stayed home until the danger had passed in my area.   

That evening as I sat in my comfortable living room chair watching the horror from Japan on TV, I wanted to zone out.  I didn’t want to face what I had experienced that day or what was happening across the world in Japan.  I was frozen in my own fear.  It felt extremely unsettling.  I turned to stuffing those feelings down with salty chips and a beer.  I could feel my emotions bottled  up inside of me, but I was afraid to let them out.  I went to bed still scared (what if we have a quake?) and feeling full and uncomfortable.

Today I noticed that I didn’t feel quite right.  I was edgy.  I wasn’t myself.  I tried to act the part of Debi Johnson.  I went through the motions of the day.  I found that I was doing, doing, doing all day long for other people, almost purposely ignoring myself.  Then I got a simple call from a friend asking me to bring a dish to an event this weekend.  I said yes even though I felt like saying no.  I hung up the phone and started sobbing.  I had come undone. My husband looked at me with sympathetic eyes, but had no idea of what to do.  I had lost control!  

After my implosion turned to an explosion, I sat in the quiet.  I knew what had happened.  I had been holding in my own feelings until they burst out like a tidal wave. I had been pushing away all of my anger, sadness and fear.  I had to allow the tears.  I felt my heart ache for those in Japan and for the life that was lost in our community from the tsunami.  I let myself – body, mind and spirit do what they needed to do.  I ALLOWED myself to realize that ”if not by the grace of God, that could have been our community in an earthquake and tsunami” and I prayed for those living in it.  I allowed my emotions to simply come out of me.  I didn’t send them away. This is not a happy time right now and it’s okay to notice and honor what needs to be felt.

I am now much more calm.  I can feel my feelings in my body, but I’m not trying to send them away.  They are welcome because they are apart of me and need my atention.  I know there will be happier days ahead, but for tonight I am thanking God for my blessings and sending prayers out for the world.